If you missed my Money in the Bank recap it’s right here. Without further Apu, let’s jump into Raw.
Live from Tulsa, Oklahoma this is the Raw Deal…
Randy Orton d. Chris Jericho & Edge (***1/2)
Holy shit, a match to start Raw and it got 15 minutes? And it was very good. It’s bizarro Raw week. The thing about triple threat matches in WWE is they are very formulaic. One guy hits the big move, goes for a cover and the third guy breaks it up. Then they switch roles and do it all over again. However, when the guys in the ring are good workers like these three are (Orton has yet to have the number of quality matches as Jericho or Edge although he is a lot younger) then the quality of the match increases. That’s what we got here. The crowd was hot, the guys had their working boots on and the result was an exciting match. Lots of nearfalls here. Hell, even the announcers did a great job of putting over not just the wrestlers, but also the importance of the match. Aside from having to hear “Apex Predator” too many times I won’t even rip Cole or Lawler for this one. The finish was really well done with each guy hitting big moves. The RKO is ridiculously over right now. Wow. What pops Orton is getting for those, huh? Jericho missed a Lionsault like he does 90% of the time and Orton hit him with a RKO. Edge walked back in the ring after being taken out. Guess what? RKO. And the crowd loved it as Orton got the win. He moves on to Summerslam against Sheamus. An awesome way to start the first 20 minutes of Raw. More please.
Post match, after a commercial break, Edge calls out Jericho. It’s Canadagasm time, eh. Jericho comes out. Each guy basically says they could have Nexus come out to take the other out. Here comes Nexus. Hey it’s the chick from Wendy’s! Oh wait it’s Heath Slater. It’s hard to tell them apart. Barrett puts over how they’re both Hall of Famers (unless they do something stupid) and that Jericho was right, they could end Edge’s career. So they attack Edge with Jericho smiling. Spear by Sheffield on Edge. Walls of Jericho on Edge. They turn their attention to Jericho. Barrett says that Edge was right because they want to shut up the guy that took credit for the success of Nexus, that being Jericho. They beat the crap out of Jericho with Barrett beating him with punches while Otunga ended it with his spinebuster slam. This was a well done segment. Great job by Edge and Jericho bickering at eachother while Barrett held his own on the microphone too.
Backstage, Josh interviewed Barrett after The Nexus boys went in the locker room. He intimidated Josh. Josh asked if any of them can compete with…Mark Henry. I thought it was somebody good. Nope. Mark Henry. The guy who, despite being so strong, has probably lost 70% of the matches in his 14 year career. Anyway, Sheamus came up to Barrett and was looking for a talk. I guess it happened off camera. How dare they have a private talk off camera when others have them on camera? Those EVIL foreigners. Fella.
The announcers did an interview with Cena on the Titantron. Cena was in full SERIOUS VOICES~! mode. No yelling. He basically said he wants to talk to Nexus later because they cost him everything. Really? Because it seems to me he still has his well paying job. He ended the promo saying “if you can’t beat ’em…” before walking off, which makes you think he wants to join them. Oh no CeNation, how will your fearless leader overcome the odds this time! Same STUPID ORANGE time, same STUPID ORANGE channel. Batman reference, people. POW!
Eve d. Maryse (1/2*)
Dibiase was on commentary, which means he better talk fast since it’s a divas match. The match was two minutes. Eve hit a kick off the ropes, Maryse stuck her foot on the bottom rope and the ref never saw it. Dibiase complained. Out came John Morrison. He took care of him and hit a Starship Pain that barely connected. That’s why I don’t like that as a finisher. It doesn’t look painful. Oh well.
Sheamus came out for some Fella promo time. He talked about how he beat Cena again and that he wasn’t getting any more title shots. That was unintentionally hilarious. He said he made a truce with The Nexus. He pointed out that a year ago nobody heard of Sheamus (that’s right because nobody watched ECW) or The Nexus and now they are the strongest entities in WWE. Stronger than Mark Henry? That’s blasphemous! He said he plans on becoming the longest reigning champion of all time. In this era of short title reigns? That’s also unintentionally hilarious. Cue The Miz’ music. He comes out with the orange Money in the Bank briefcase. He said having that briefcase made him more powerful than Sheamus because he was going to pick his bones, so to speak, when the time was right. He mentioned a few scenarios where he could cash it in. He even dropped in a “fella” during the promo, which will land him in the star of the show rankings. In a hilarious line, Miz said he’d be watching every breath he makes and every step he takes. Cue Sting! The singer, not the wrestler. Miz went to do his catchphrase, but Sheamus cut it off and left. Miz was almost babyface-like in this promo. I hope they don’t turn him soon. He’s great in this role.
The anonymous GM, who apparently didn’t watch the divas match, buzzed in with an email. The camera showed a behind the back shot of Cole and it looked as if he was reading off a paper rather than the screen. I dunno. Not like it matters. Anyway, Sheamus is in a match tonight against Evan Bourne. Miz is sitting ringside with the briefcase.
Sheamus d. Evan Bourne (**1/4)
They went to a commercial early and gave them about 10 minutes total, which was very Smackdown-like. We get that weekly on SD. Not always on Raw. Sheamus beat on him for the majority of the match. Bourne made a comeback and hit a nice crossbody out on the floor. Sheamus came back with his thrust/pump kick for the win. I guess he’s dumped the Razor’s Edge finish? Sure. Six months ago this match would have been 3 minutes. Now it’s 10. That’s because they realize Bourne’s talented and they need to present him as a midcard wrestler with a bright future.
Post match, Miz attacked. He hit him with ORANGE FURY! That’s my name for the briefcase. He knocked him down and threw the briefcase to the mat. He struggled to grab Sheamus, who he then put face first into the briefcase with Skull Crushing Finale for the KO. He told the ref he’s cashing in the briefcase. The ref went over to Sheamus, who was KO’d. Couldn’t move. The match couldn’t start until he got up. Those are the rules apparently. As the ref was trying to revive Fella Boy, R-Truth’s music hit. What’s Up? He’s back. Miz immediately bailed, canceling his proposed match and running like a wimp. He hit Truth in the injured shoulder a couple times and hightailed it out of there. Miz was fantastic on the microphone as well as on the attack. I’m a huge fan of the guy. He’s really come into his own this year.
After the break, Miz said there will be other opportunities. He pointed out that it could be tonight or July 17, 2011 – that’s one year people. I hope he waits until WrestleMania. That would be great.
Hey, is Miz still banned from Summerfest? (Thanks to my buddy Matt for reminding me of that. Which Matt? I know about 1800 Matt’s.)
They showed Sheamus backstage. Hey it’s a Bellas sighting. They were having an unnatural convo with Gail Kim. I guess if there’s no guest host there they have to have unnatural convos with somebody. They are such great actresses! Anyway, Sheamus yelled at them. Hey, what does he call women? Fella would just be awkward. Orton showed up. That random appearance made me miss Batista jokes.
John Morrison’s abs are on the cover of Muscle & Fitness. Will they reward him with a match? No. Instead we get this!
Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov d. William Regal & Zack Ryder (1/4*)
The match gets a 1/4* for Santino’s antics. It was two minutes. Kozlov did power moves while Santino won with a ridiculous throat chop that Scotty Too Hotty would be jealous of. I’d rather see this than a lame guest host segment, at least.
The Nexus boys were getting ready for the huge threat.
Did you know? The only time you’ll hear “ass” on WWE TV these days is in Mark Henry’s theme song? Now you know. Ass.
Wade Barrett d. Mark “The Huge Threat” Henry (*)
KOOL AID~! Before Henry came out they should have pointed out that he’s been a threat to win the Royal Rumble for over a decade. I love when they say that every January. The match only went about 3 minutes, which is probably longer than I would have booked it. I wouldn’t have had Barrett sell much at all to make him look even tougher. Henry went to the middle ropes. The Nexus boys stood on the apron. That distracted him enough for Barrett to put him on his shoulders…barely…and drop him down for his finisher…barely. That looked awkward. Or impressive if you’re an announcer working for WWE. He covered for the win. I’m stunned Mark Henry lost. I thought he was a huge threat? This was a worse lie than Cena telling us nobody would interfere in the cage match. Lies!
Main event promo fest was next. Cena came out to talk to The Nexus. He was using his SERIOUS VOICE~! for much of it. Barrett said he wants Cena to join them. John said no, he can’t do that. Then Barrett said you can either walk away like a coward or you can receive the worst beating that The Nexus has ever given out. Cena bailed like a coward. He’s a coward! But wait…he is talking again and he is RAISING HIS VOICE. CENA SMASH! CENA ANGRY! He said that he will take each one of you down. Didn’t he take Darren Young down, yet he’s back? Oh well. Anyway, the truce was only a test. He has formed a team to take care of The Nexus ever since they started beating people up. Who is that team? Edge, John “Abs” Morrison, R-Truth. Hey, it’s the Great Khali! Where’s Ranjin Singh to cut a promo: “The Great Khali thinks The Nexus are a bunch of meanies!” Then Jericho. That’s six. One more. It’s Bret Hart. Nice. Good surprise. Didn’t see that coming. The Nexus boys bailed as soon as the others hit the ring because they’re such cowards. The show ended with the babyfaces in the ring while The Nexus were standing in the crowd.
I liked the show ending angle. Cena was alright on his promo. Barrett did fine. The story makes sense. It was announced on WWE.com that it is now a 7 on 7 match. I know this WWE team isn’t great. What can you do, though? The Raw roster is thin because they only care about six guys. It makes you ask yourself how could they possibly compete with amazing talents like the guy that wears a bandana on his face, the guy that looks like the chick from Wendy’s, the black guy that looks like Cena who has even worse hair than he had before and the rest of this crew that can’t work longer than five minutes because they are green in the ring? That’s why you do a 7 on 7 match. People don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, so stick MORE people out there to help tell the story. That’s how you hide weaknesses, which is how you’re supposed to book wrestling.
After the show went off the air, Bret Hart put the Sharpshooter on Wendy and everybody had Baconators to celebrate.
Three Stars of the Show
1. Randy Orton – I think people like the RKO.
2. The Miz – He was outstanding once again this week.
3. Sheamus – He works hard, fella.
Worst Moment of the Week
Nothing was too bad.
8 out of 10
Last week: 6.5
It was a very good episode of Raw this week. I was thoroughly entertained through all of it. Even the comedy tag match and divas matches were passable. I loved the opening triple threat and Sheamus/Evan was good because they gave Evan some offense.
The best part of the show were the promos. Everybody seemed to nail them this week from Edge to Jericho to Miz to Cena to Barrett and all the rest. And I marked the fuck out for Bret Hart on the end. That was sweet.
Did anybody miss a guest host this week? Gimme a HELL NO! Thank you.
————
I was on a Podcast last Thursday. I spent 40 minutes talking about wrestling with three other knowledgeable fans. We covered a lot of topics such as Bryan Danielson, Nexus, this week’s Raw, my history of writing on the internet, Christian, Money in the Bank, and much more. For more info on the appearance check it out RIGHT HERE right now. I had a blast. I’m looking to do more podcasts in the future, so if you’re interested in having me shoot me an email at john@thejohnreport.net so we can set something up. I can do it over the phone or via Skype if you prefer it that way. Let me know! As an aside, I’ll have my own podcast going soon. I’ll let ya know.
Keep checking out thejohnreport.net for exclusive articles that are only posted on my blog. We update daily, so give it a read!
Thanks for reading.
John Canton – john@thejohnreport.net
Visit the blog: thejohnreport.net
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreportnet
and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.